Thursday 14 May 2015

Dealing With Anxiety and Depression | prettylittlewriter

Today I thought I'd share with you all something a lot more personal than usual.

I've recently been feeling very sad and at first I couldn't really understand why. I've got an absolutely amazing boyfriend whom I adore, a family who are always there for me and I am so close to graduating from University I can almost taste it.

But in my head, none of that matters. Every single good thing I have right now is being clouded over by dark thoughts and emotions and for many weeks I've gone almost every day in tears for the smallest things.

After talking to my family and friends, I began taking Kalms, a herbal remedy that is supposed to help relieve periods of stress and worry and I also visited my doctor who told me to arrange a meeting with a councillor, of which I attended a few weeks ago.

I believe the Kalms are having some effect on me as I am finding my emotions a little easier to cope with, I am not in tears every day, it is more once or twice a week.

After talking to my councillor, we established that what I have more than anything is Anxiety, and mine is affecting me by giving me horrible thoughts and feelings that every thing in my life is going to go wrong. I have this irrational fear that it is all going to come crumbling down any moment and I will be left with nothing and absolutely heartbroken.

I have found dealing with my anxiety incredibly hard, as I hate to burden others with my own problems, when more often than not, they have their own to deal with. So going to my family and friends was hard, I felt like I was being inconsiderate and totally embarrassed.

This has led to my depression. A feeling of loneliness and having no one to talk to in case I scare them or displease them in any way. I have been constantly wanting to be alone, I no longer enjoy those things I used to love, like watching my favourite TV shows. 

I love my boyfriend an incredible amount, more than I've ever loved anyone before, and I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. 
However, it can be really tough being in a relationship when your own mind won't let you enjoy what is supposed to be the most amazing feeling in the world. 
He can tell me how much he loves me, say all these amazing things and I know I am a very lucky girl, but my brain then tells me all these awful things to create a dark and fearful mind.
And when I voice my fears to my boyfriend, I get incredibly scared that they are going to push him away. It never has, he has been brilliantly patient with me, however it does get to him, as he doesn't understand why I feel the way I do. I don't think he will ever understand, as I don't even understand it myself, and that is how depression and anxiety works. You know in yourself that how you are thinking and feeling is wrong, yet you cannot stop it. 
Unfortunately, we often have arguments about the way I feel, which in itself, transpires and makes how I feel much worse. I cannot blame him, as I know the only reason it happens is because of my depression, but it does effect me and make my emotional state even more difficult.

I'm not always like this. I have days where I am happy and content, but then something happens, and it can be the tiniest thing, and completely irrational, but it's like a switch turns on, and I am back to feeling broken and alone.

Sometimes I think I should go back to my doctor and begin taking anti-depressants, but this has never happened to me before. I have never been so upset and anxious in my life, and I wonder if it is because of the amount of pressure and stress I am under in my life right now. 
I am in the process of finishing my degree, which means a lot of pressure to do the best work I can to get a good grade to graduate. There's then the pressure of finding a job afterwards, what if there aren't any? 
I have family issues which I pretend do not exist, yet they still linger in the back of my mind and I do think about them every now and again.
I am also going to be uprooting my life and moving down to Devon to live with my boyfriend within the next month.
It is all a lot to process and I just don't know how to deal with it all.

I am trying to wait and let this next month pass and see how I feel once it has. With the pressures and stress gone, maybe I won't feel this way?

Focusing on the positives is what I need to do, and I know and understand this, but with my mind the way it is at the moment, I just can't. So I try to put on a brave face to those around me, pretend I'm okay and go about my days as normal as possible.
The only person I truly show how I feel to at present is my boyfriend, and sometimes I wish I didn't as I know it gets to him and it upsets me and worries me that I could be potentially scaring him away. But then I am also grateful that I can talk to him, even if he doesn't understand, I know that he's there and willing to listen to all the crap inside my head.

I guess it doesn't help that our relationship is currently long distance. When I'm feeling particularly depressed, all I want to do is cuddle him and have a cry and have him make me feel better. But all I can do is lay in bed crying to myself and wishing I was where he is. If I talk to him about it, it usually just ends up making things worse to the point I just don't want to talk any more. I just want to be alone, even if being alone is half the problem. 

I just hope one day I feel better, whether I can fight this on my own, or if I eventually need to start taking pills. 

If you are still here reading this, thank you. I know I've rambled on, but mental health issues are just as important as physical ones, they are just a much more taboo subject.
If you're reading this and you have similar thoughts and feelings, know that you are not alone. Feel free to leave a comment, I would love to hear from you and hear your stories.

I would just like to say that I am in no way telling you my story to gain sympathy, but writing is how I get my emotions out, and I told myself that I would blog these things to try and help my state of mind, so I hope you don't mind my rambling.


  1. PERFECT post! Love reading other peoples thoughts and how they deal with anxiety!
    xprincessjas | ♥

  2. Such a lovely, honest post! I get exactly how you're feeling as I went through this just a few months ago... Having come out on the other side, I can tell you that things will get so much better with time. I know it's difficult, but just try to get back to doing the things you love - it sounds like you have so much to look forward to over the next couple of months so just focus on that and hopefully it'll get some positivity going!
    You'll be okay, just hang on in there :)

    Britt |

  3. Thanks for writing this, I so know what you mean. My anxiety that something is going to go wrong stops me enjoying a lot of life. I'm such a worrier! Sometimes when my anxious voice starts, I just dismiss it with a clear - "I've got faith that everything will work out", I also find that bach's herbal remedy helps me a lot when I'm stressed! xx